Crazy, But I Love You

     I have so much that is pissing me off right now I could just scream. oh wait, I've already done that- and let me tell you it doesn't help the situation at all.  I didn't want to make this blog a personal blog, but I don't have any motivation to write about things that make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
     Right now I'm trying to go through the process of being diagnosed, until this point I was just diagnosed with social anxiety and depression.  As my life continued though and I went the un-medicated, sober route I found my mind manifesting more problems that I had tried to bury.
      I have found myself over time having very frequent and disturbing intrusive thoughts, I would chalk these up to postpartum depression but my son is 18 months old. not to mention their is little depression... I do have bouts of despair where I get suicidal though, these are usually after a plan of mine has gone up in smoke and I have to give up.  Did I mention that my social anxiety seems to disappear anytime I'm doing something spontaneous or different? it's really hard to explain who I am to people that have never met me, my husband who I've been married to for almost 2 years now describes me as "crazy, but I still love you."
     Before I got married you would describe me as spontaneous and loud and VERY sexual.  it's like I did a 180, when I think of a way to describe myself I think of myself as a cameleon.  every year of my life since I was 15 it feels like I was a different person. I could give each of these girls names and stories if I wanted and people would probably believe them.  I'm scared because I feel like I'm morphing again and I don't know who's going to come out of my crazy mind next... will she be a good mother? will she start using drugs again? will she hate or love her husband? will she be social or antisocial?
     I was having mental break downs about once a week over this until a friend suggested that I might have Borderline Personality Disorder.  I thought "Girl Interrupted that is so not me" but when I looked it up I started to read up on it I found that I had 10 out of 10 symptoms (and that Girl Interrupted is not so accurate in its depiction of BPD).
     So now I'm trying to find a therapist that will take my insurance so I can go about getting better.  What I really need now is some mental healing, I just don't know how to go about doing it. Maybe writing this blog will help me....

Short One

I am breaking my blogs virginity with a paragraph. I had a page but we won't even go in to how badly my computer messed up. I am resisting to use this "(-_-) " emoticon, but have a nice day and expect much better blogs from here on out.