My First Blog Child

     It must be such a luxury, to never be sad, or want more from life. To find it so easy to conform to mediocre, or worst and never think about what could be. To never doubt your very core- I'm sure you doubt things, but at least you know who you are. 
     Who am I? What am I? I ask myself this everyday. I can come up with the basics easily; I am a mother, I am a student, I am depressed. I guess those words count for something, and I'm not saying they don't mean anything because I'm sure they could mean a lot to another.  But here's the problem, those words are so general- they don't define me they define a type. I'm not a type, I'm unique- not special but I am different. 
     I want to kill myself, don't tell me to get help I know I need it. I also know I won't kill myself because I'm too afraid. I love my son too much. I know life will get better- and then this will happen again. 
     People are ridiculous. who are you to tell me not to kill myself? are you family? are you my friend? How can you know that I will regret killing myself? how do you know what happens when I leave my body? are you God? --- for those of you who I am scaring I'm just reminding you that I'm not going to kill myself, I'm too much of a pussy.  
     I know I'm afraid. who isn't? everyone's afraid of something... I'm afraid that if I let my life go on like it is, that when I do die (whether it be by my hand or another) I will have done nothing.  I am a dreamer, who doesn't have dreams? I dream about doing so much, I have never pursued any of my dreams. It's because of lack of options, money and opportunity if you are wondering why.  I wish that I could have done more when I did have the opportunity. 
    So I'm sitting here now, 21 years old and wanting to die. I'm sure you are thinking "but your so young" I am, but I don't feel that way.  I couldn't feel young even if I wanted to.  I don't have the ability to let go of my problems anymore, I don't know how to relax.  I'm always on edge, always afraid, always confused. 
     This is my rant for the night, sorry for being so dark.