It must be such a luxury, to never be sad, or want more from life. To find it so easy to conform to mediocre, or worst and never think about what could be. To never doubt your very core- I'm sure you doubt things, but at least you know who you are. 
     Who am I? What am I? I ask myself this everyday. I can come up with the basics easily; I am a mother, I am a student, I am depressed. I guess those words count for something, and I'm not saying they don't mean anything because I'm sure they could mean a lot to another.  But here's the problem, those words are so general- they don't define me they define a type. I'm not a type, I'm unique- not special but I am different. 
     I want to kill myself, don't tell me to get help I know I need it. I also know I won't kill myself because I'm too afraid. I love my son too much. I know life will get better- and then this will happen again. 
     People are ridiculous. who are you to tell me not to kill myself? are you family? are you my friend? How can you know that I will regret killing myself? how do you know what happens when I leave my body? are you God? --- for those of you who I am scaring I'm just reminding you that I'm not going to kill myself, I'm too much of a pussy.  
     I know I'm afraid. who isn't? everyone's afraid of something... I'm afraid that if I let my life go on like it is, that when I do die (whether it be by my hand or another) I will have done nothing.  I am a dreamer, who doesn't have dreams? I dream about doing so much, I have never pursued any of my dreams. It's because of lack of options, money and opportunity if you are wondering why.  I wish that I could have done more when I did have the opportunity. 
    So I'm sitting here now, 21 years old and wanting to die. I'm sure you are thinking "but your so young" I am, but I don't feel that way.  I couldn't feel young even if I wanted to.  I don't have the ability to let go of my problems anymore, I don't know how to relax.  I'm always on edge, always afraid, always confused. 
     This is my rant for the night, sorry for being so dark. 

Ethics Paper

    So this post is going to be school related, so sorry ha ha. I have a position paper due in ethics class in may and I want to get a head start on it because I'm not very good at academic righting.  I think I'm pretty good at coming up with a thesis and making up the body of the paper but when I right from an academic stance there seems to be something lacking.  I have a fairly decent idea about what I am going to right about too, immigration.
     This is not really a research paper for immigration, it's a research paper of the ethics of immigration laws and actions towards illegal immigrants.  or that's how I see it in my head. I just recently saw the documentary on Netflix Which Way Home directed by Rebecca Cammisa.  In this documentary she finds and follows a group of Honduran boys between the ages of 13-17 traveling the Mexican railroad system to get to American.  I found this so intriguing because when many of us think of illegal immigrants we think of 30-40 Mexican men coming to America to take our jobs so they can send fat checks to their families that live decent life's in Mexico.  This is not always the case as the documentary points out. here's a link for that documentary if your interested http://www.netflix.com/Movie/Which-Way-Home/70117031
     I think the thesis of my paper could center around a question of turning illegal immigrant children (some with no families to go home to, some where there parents are already in the U.S.) out of our country and back to their country, homeless or not. I think this would be an intriguing topic to explore the ethics of our country, I know I could already use some of the philosophers that we have covered in class. Kant of course and maybe a few utilitarian philosophers. I might even be able to integrate some Hallie into the paper.
     What do you think? if you find yourself reading this feel free to give me some insight on what the basis of my paper should be. Its still open for discussion. Thank you =)

     It snowed last night and it is so beautiful! I absolutely love it when it snows here, actually it's the only time I like it here.  

     no these aren't my pictures but I thought I would dedicate this post to snow.  Did i mention i love snow? 

    

Crazy, But I Love You

     I have so much that is pissing me off right now I could just scream. oh wait, I've already done that- and let me tell you it doesn't help the situation at all.  I didn't want to make this blog a personal blog, but I don't have any motivation to write about things that make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
     Right now I'm trying to go through the process of being diagnosed, until this point I was just diagnosed with social anxiety and depression.  As my life continued though and I went the un-medicated, sober route I found my mind manifesting more problems that I had tried to bury.
      I have found myself over time having very frequent and disturbing intrusive thoughts, I would chalk these up to postpartum depression but my son is 18 months old. not to mention their is little depression... I do have bouts of despair where I get suicidal though, these are usually after a plan of mine has gone up in smoke and I have to give up.  Did I mention that my social anxiety seems to disappear anytime I'm doing something spontaneous or different? it's really hard to explain who I am to people that have never met me, my husband who I've been married to for almost 2 years now describes me as "crazy, but I still love you."
     Before I got married you would describe me as spontaneous and loud and VERY sexual.  it's like I did a 180, when I think of a way to describe myself I think of myself as a cameleon.  every year of my life since I was 15 it feels like I was a different person. I could give each of these girls names and stories if I wanted and people would probably believe them.  I'm scared because I feel like I'm morphing again and I don't know who's going to come out of my crazy mind next... will she be a good mother? will she start using drugs again? will she hate or love her husband? will she be social or antisocial?
     I was having mental break downs about once a week over this until a friend suggested that I might have Borderline Personality Disorder.  I thought "Girl Interrupted that is so not me" but when I looked it up I started to read up on it I found that I had 10 out of 10 symptoms (and that Girl Interrupted is not so accurate in its depiction of BPD).
     So now I'm trying to find a therapist that will take my insurance so I can go about getting better.  What I really need now is some mental healing, I just don't know how to go about doing it. Maybe writing this blog will help me....

Short One

I am breaking my blogs virginity with a paragraph. I had a page but we won't even go in to how badly my computer messed up. I am resisting to use this "(-_-) " emoticon, but have a nice day and expect much better blogs from here on out.